Tales of Mystery and Romance Read online

  Constantine Diso is not only an intruder. He is a greedy pig. He promises more luck, although it takes a little longer to arrive. He states that he got his secretary to make twenty-four copies (St Antoine de Sedi says twenty is more than enough). But oh no, the Dutchman has to make twenty-four. Trying too hard.

  And another question to you, Constantine Diso, sitting there in your plush office. You had your secretary do it, she made the unnecessary twenty-four copies. But you got the luck.

  Fair?

  At least the gentle, industrious St Antoine de Sedi does his own chain letter writing.

  I am, though, more concerned with the core content of the chain letter than with the literal errors, omissions, inconsistencies, and the pushy Dutchman.

  The chain letter today is not good reading.

  I believe (and arcana supports me) that a chain letter should contain these sorts of things: a true story; a curious fact; an incredible coincidence; the most important thing to know in life; a common misconception; an old saying; a good trick; a sure way to test whether a person is happier than you.

  UNLESS YOU INTEND TO JOIN THE CHAIN DO NOT READ ON. THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER STORY. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

  DO NOT SEND MONEY.

  A TRUE STORY. There was a New York millionaire in the late nineteenth century who would take a street beggar or a bum by the arms and tell them that he made his fortune simply by looking in garbage cans. He said they’d be amazed at how much money accidentally finds its way into the garbage. He would then demonstrate this by foraging in the nearest garbage can and inevitably find dollar notes.

  He had placed the dollar notes there beforehand.

  It explains why you often see people who are down-and-out foraging in garbage cans.

  Is that a cruel story?

  AN OLD SAYING. There is an old Australian saying that all a man requires in life is a good woman; a good knife; a good horse; a good car; a good house; a good mate; a good spot down the coast; a good person to know when you’re in a fix; a good job; a good pub; a good book; a good price; a good place for a feed; a good sort; a good tip; a good line; a good time; a good rest; a good shit; and a good fuck.

  AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION. A careful reading of all the ‘messages’ from the dead produced by mediums and mystics and all the visions and secrets from hallucination and trances, reveal nothing of any use or interest in meeting the affairs of the day or in any way add to the ‘meaning’ of life. The dead have little of interest to say.

  AN INTERESTING FACT. If you read a book on the theory of coincidence you will experience an increased number of coincidences in the following week.

  AN INCREDIBLE COINCIDENCE. A certain M. Deschamps, when a boy in Orleans, was once given a piece of plum pudding by a M. de Fortgibu. Ten years later he discovered another plum pudding in a Paris restaurant and asked if he could have a piece. It turned out, however, that the whole plum pudding had already been ordered – by M. de Fortgibu. Many years afterwards M. Deschamps was invited to partake of a plum pudding at a friend’s house. While he was eating it, he remarked that the only thing lacking was M. de Fortgibu. At that very moment the door opened and an old old man in the last stages of disorientation walked in. M. de Fortgibu, who had burst into the party by mistake (from Der Zufall: Eine Vorform des Schicksals, Stuttgart, 1924).

  A COMMON MISCONCEPTION. When delivering a baby, do not, under any circumstances, hold it by the ankles and smack it after delivery.

  A LITTLE KNOWN FACT. Many folklores believe that the vagina has teeth.

  A GOOD TRICK. You can write a message on the inside of a boiled egg. Dissolve one ounce of alum in half a pint of vinegar and with a small, pointed brush use the solution to write on the shell of the egg. After it has dried, boil the egg as for eating. When the egg is cracked open the writing will be on the white of the egg.

  A SURE WAY TO TEST WHETHER A PERSON IS HAPPIER THAN YOU.

  (This test is no longer available.)

  THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW IN LIFE.

  (This is to be filled in by the reader.)

  This is a chain letter story. Do not break the chain. Send a copy of this book to two (2) friends. Write your name at the bottom of this story. Do not send money. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

  Notes

  1. See footnote here

  Frank Moorhouse was born in the coastal town of Nowra, NSW. He worked as an editor of small-town newspapers and as an administrator, and became a full-time writer in the 1970s. He has written fiction, non-fiction, screenplays and essays, and edited many collections of writing.

  Forty-Seventeen was given a laudatory full-page review by Angela Carter in The New York Times and was named Book of the Year by The Age and ‘moral winner’ of the Booker Prize by the London magazine Blitz. Grand Days, the first novel in The Edith Trilogy, won the SA Premier’s Award for Fiction. Dark Palace won the 2001 Miles Franklin Literary Award and was shortlisted for the NSW Premier’s Literary Award, the Victorian Premier’s Literary Award and the Age Book of the Year Award.

  Moorhouse has undertaken numerous fellowships and his work has been translated into several languages. He was made a member of the Order of Australia for services to literature in 1985 and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Griffith University in 1997.

  BY THE SAME AUTHOR

  FICTION

  Futility and Other Animals

  The Americans, Baby

  The Electrical Experience

  Tales of Mystery and Romance

  Conference-ville

  The Everlasting Secret Family and Other Secrets

  Forty-Seventeen

  Grand Days

  Dark Palace

  Cold Light

  OTHER BOOKS

  Room Service

  Lateshows

  Loose Living

  The Inspector-General of Misconception

  NON-FICTION

  Days of Wine and Rage

  Martini: A Memoir

  COLLECTED WORKS

  Selected Stories (also published as The Coca-Cola Kid)

  FILM AND TELEVISION SCRIPTS

  Between Wars (feature film)

  Coca-Cola Kid (feature film)

  Everlasting Secret Family (feature film)

  Conference-ville (telemovie)

  Time’s Raging (with Sophia Turkiewicz, telemovie)

  The Disappearance of Azaria Chamberlain (docudrama)

  BOOKS EDITED BY THE AUTHOR

  Coast to Coast 1973

  State of the Art

  Fictions 88

  A Steele Rudd Selection

  Prime Ministers of Australia

  The Best Australian Stories 2004

  The Best Australian Stories 2005

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of Random House Australia. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

  Version 1.0

  Tales of Mystery and Romance

  9781742746647

  Copyright © Frank Moorhouse, 1977

  The moral right of the authorhas been asserted.

  A Vintage book

  Published by Random House Australia Pty Ltd

  Level 3, 100 Pacific Highway, North Sydney NSW 2060

  www.randomhouse.com.au

  Addresses forcompanies within the Random House Group can be found at

  www.randomhouse.com.au/offices

  First published by Angus and Robertson in 1977

  First published by Vintage in 2008

  National Library of Australia

  Cataloguing-in
-Publication Entry

  Moorhouse, Frank, 1938–

  Tales of mystery and romance.

  ISBN 978 1 74051 144 5 (pbk.)

  A823.3

  Cover design by Gayna Murphy, Greendot Design